In my experience as both a parent and child psychologist, emotional outbursts are one of the most concerning and frequent issues children are referred for. Childhood is a genuinely frustrating period of life. You’re starting to have ideas, hopes, and preferences of your own, but you have very little control over any aspect of your life, and someone bigger than you is always telling you what to do. Almost every child will have occasional meltdowns or tantrums, or angrily refuse to do something asked of them. So what kinds of angry behavior are “normal”—and when should you seek outside help?
What’s Developmentally Normal
Temper tantrums are normal in children between about age 1 and 3, but should decrease by the time they are 5 years old. Angry outbursts tend to diminish as children become socialized, are able to verbally communicate their thoughts and needs, and learn to regulate their emotions. For elementary school kids, you can expect tantrums to occur occasionally when your child is hungry, tired, or sick. Stressful periods—transitions, changes at school, or family upheaval—can also temporarily increase emotional outbursts in children who are otherwise developing typically.
When Tantrums Are Not Normal: Signs to Watch For
If your child shows any of the signs below, it’s worth setting up an appointment with a child psychologist or therapist:
- Your child is over 7 years old and still experiencing regular tantrums or meltdowns (outside of being hungry, tired, or sick)
- Your child’s behavior is dangerous to themselves or others, or frequently results in the destruction of property
- The tantrums and defiance are causing significant conflict at home and disrupting family life
- The behavior is causing trouble at school—staff report that your child is out of control, or they have been suspended or expelled for angry outbursts
- The behavior is impeding your child’s ability to get along with peers, and they may be left out of birthday parties, play dates, or other social events
- Your child is upset and may feel bad because the anger feels out of their control
- Your child is withdrawing or no longer interested in activities they once enjoyed
How a Child Psychologist Can Help
While individual temperament and developmental stage play a part in a child’s behavior, parent responses also influence behavior patterns over time. A psychologist or therapist can help you understand the triggers for your child’s outbursts, develop new tools and strategies for responding to challenging behaviors, and assess your child for underlying mental health issues that may be causing emotional dysregulation.
Robyn Matlon, M.Ed., M.A., Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist with specialized training in play therapy, child development, attachment, depression, anxiety, complex trauma, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Robyn conducts comprehensive psychological assessments of children for a range of issues, including learning, attention, and memory challenges, as well as struggles with social-emotional or behavioral functioning. Her approach is strengths-based, collaborative, and draws on psychodynamic, cognitive-behavioral, mindfulness, and play therapy techniques.
