As a parent of a very shy child, I’ve worried that my daughter’s introverted personality will affect the way people see her, and might make them less likely to try to befriend her or engage with her. I worry others won’t see how amazing my kid is.
It’s been a challenge to figure out how to encourage a shy child to speak up and, particularly, how to best support a shy kid in a society that celebrates outgoing, extroverted people. I sometimes feel judged as a parent when she refuses to respond to others’ questions or comments, or won’t make eye contact despite teaching her manners. It’s taken a lot of effort and work to stop making excuses for her, to teach her the skills she’ll need in life, and to let her be the person she is without trying to make her into someone else. Finding the best activities for a shy child can make a significant difference in their willingness to engage with others.
Author of books on childhood shyness, Michael Reist, states, “When parents or other adults make attempts to correct shyness, the child hears the message that he doesn’t fit in. Instead, we should be teaching him that it’s OK if he isn’t the same as everyone else.” He believes we should shift our focus away from trying to change a quiet child’s personality. By altering the way we think about shyness, and teaching our children social skills, we can help them survive (and even thrive).
Understanding Shyness and Its Causes
Is shyness written in our DNA, or does it come from how we’re raised? Nature or nurture—that is the question when it comes to what makes some kids shy and others social butterflies. Well, turns out it’s a little bit of both! Research shows shyness runs in families—twins studies reveal it’s about 50% genetic. So shyness tendencies can be inherited, just like having blue eyes or curly hair. But don’t blame it all on mom and dad’s DNA; life experiences shape us too. Shy kids often grow up in protective families, giving them fewer chances to be bold and brave. Positive social interactions help build confidence, while stressful events can make even outgoing kids crawl into their shells.
Shy Child vs. Autism
Understanding the differences between shyness and autism is essential for parents to provide the best support for their children. Shy children typically feel anxious in social situations and may need time to warm up to others. However, once they feel comfortable, they can adapt their behavior and engage in social interactions according to social norms. Shy children are often able to form close friendships and bond with others, including their parents.
In contrast, children on the autism spectrum may struggle with social skills, regardless of how relaxed they feel in a given environment. They may have difficulty understanding social cues, making eye contact, or responding to social overtures, which can affect their ability to communicate and form relationships. Unlike shyness, these challenges are not due to social anxiety but rather a fundamental difference in how they process social information.
According to the CDC, early signs of autism may include a lack of interest in playing with other children, repetitive behaviors, and difficulties with communication. It’s important to note that early intervention can significantly benefit both shy and autistic children by providing them with the tools they need to thrive in social environments. If you’re concerned about your child’s social behavior, consulting with a professional for an expert assessment is a crucial step in determining whether your child’s behavior is due to extreme shyness or autism. Understanding the root cause will help you find the appropriate support for your child’s needs.
For more detailed insights on the behavioral characteristics of autism, you can refer to this UNC School of Information and Library Science resource. Understanding the root cause is key to getting your kid the right support.
Can shy children eventually outgrow their shyness?
Shy kids have many paths to overcome timidity. Nurturing parenting provides a safe base for them to gain confidence. Skill-building programs teach assertiveness and conversation skills. For techniques that you can use, read our article on How to build self-esteem and self-confidence in your child. With time, your shy child will realize they have a voice worth sharing.
Tips For Helping Shy Kids
Helping a shy child navigate social situations can be challenging, but with the right strategies, you can encourage confidence and ease their anxiety. Here are some practical tips to support your shy child as they learn to interact with others and build social skills:
Avoid Overprotection
Instead of “overprotecting” your shy child, encourage them to learn and practice social skills in safe environments. Offer tools and strategies to help them manage stress and anxiety. For example, rather than letting them avoid a loud, crowded birthday party altogether, consider arriving early and leaving before the event gets too noisy. This approach helps your child gradually acclimate to social settings without feeling overwhelmed.
Avoid Labeling Your Child As “Shy”
Labeling your child as “shy” can lead them to internalize that identity and reinforce shy behaviors. Instead, focus on describing their actions and characteristics in a positive light. For instance, say, “Matthew is thoughtful and reflective,” or “Riley likes to observe his surroundings before participating.” This encourages your child to see their behavior in a constructive way and fosters confidence in social situations.
Let Your Children Know How Awesome They Are
Recognize and celebrate the unique strengths of shy children. Shyness can have benefits; for example, shy kids often display keen observation and heightened awareness of their surroundings. Acknowledge these qualities by pointing out their strengths and helping them build social skills. It’s important to support their growth without trying to change their inherent nature.
How To Help A Shy Child Socialize
Supporting a shy child in socializing can build their confidence and ease their anxiety in new situations, including at school. Learning how to help a shy child participate in school involves using various strategies that encourage positive interactions and reduce anxiety in the classroom. Here are some effective techniques:
Teach, Model, and Reward Pro-social Skills
Use role-playing tools like puppets, stuffed animals, action figures, or dolls to practice social interactions with your shy child. Teach them to use simple phrases, such as “Hi, my name is …” and “Can I play too?” Additionally, provide them with concrete skills, like taking deep breaths when they feel nervous. When your child tries to engage with others, acknowledge their efforts and give positive reinforcement to encourage continued social growth.
Facilitate Making Friends
Arrange playdates at home where your child feels comfortable and secure. During these playdates, guide your child with words and phrases to help them interact with new friends. Be ready to step in and support the interaction with prompts like, “Ask Johnny what his favorite game to play is.” This hands-on approach helps shy children feel more at ease and teaches them how to initiate and maintain friendships.
Set Achievable Goals
Create realistic social goals for your child to achieve during interactions or outings. For example, encourage them to make eye contact and smile at a waitress in a restaurant. Set goals that challenge them but are attainable. Reward their efforts with simple incentives like a high five, a sticker on a reward chart, or a special treat after dinner. Positive reinforcement helps shy children associate socializing with positive experiences, boosting their confidence over time.
Try Using Books
Books featuring characters struggling with shyness are a great way to normalize kids’ experiences and teach new ways to overcome their challenges. Here are some reading suggestions:
- I CAN Believe in Myself, by Miriam Laundry. It’s about a girl whose shyness impedes her ability to engage with kids in school.
- Buster the Very Shy Dog, by Lisze Bechtold. A great story for dog-loving kids about a pooch working to overcome shyness and deal with other animals’ bossiness.
- Maya’s Voice, by Wen-Wen Cheng. Great for children who struggle to talk and find their voices.
- Too Shy for Show-and-Tell, by Beth Bracken. About a little guy who’s too shy to participate in show-and-tell and how he overcomes this fear.
- Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverted Kids, by Susan Cain. A book for parents of shy children.
When To Seek Help
If your child’s shyness is impeding their ability to attend school and learn, they’re too anxious to talk to anyone outside of the house, or they simply seem unhappy, it might be time to seek outside help. The professionals at Parents Place can help you understand what’s happening for your child and figure out what steps you can take to get your kids the support they need to succeed and be happy. Contact us today for a consultation.
Alyse Clayman, LCSW, is the Center for Children and Youth’s Early Childhood Mental Health Program Director and Clinical Supervisor. For any additional concerns, contact us so we can assist you.
