Wouldn’t it be fantastic if blending families were as easy as it appeared on The Brady Bunch? In reality, it is one of the more complicated and challenging endeavors you will ever assume. However, there are strategies that can make this daunting task successful.
1. Prepare
If you haven’t yet started blending your families, the first step is to prepare. Research shows that blended families have a better chance of succeeding if individuals wait at least two years after their divorce to remarry and blend their families. This allows children to adjust to a divorce prior to having to adjust to yet another change.
You will also want to start building relationships before the big merge— relationships between you and your soon-to-be step-children and between the children in both families. Allow the children to set the pace for relationship-building and use their interests as a starting point, i.e. spend time together participating in their favorite activities rather than having deep, emotional conversations. Research shows that satisfaction in remarriages is most dependent on the relationship between the step-parent and step-child, so this relationship is a priority to which it is worth giving your time, effort, and patience.
Before moving families in together, you and your partner need to start talking about the following:
- Parenting: Discuss and know each other’s parenting approach, philosophies, and practices. Is your partner structured and consistent or more loose and flexible? How do you each handle discipline? What are each of your expectations regarding household chores, homework, and extracurricular activities? If you can’t get on the same page on these topics, at least get in the same book—and know the book so you are not surprised when you move in together.
Discuss and agree about what role each of you will play with the other’s kids. Step-parents are most successful in building and maintaining a good relationship with their step-children if they are not required to be in the role of primary disciplinarian. The step-parent role is different than the parent’s. Ideally, a step-parent’s role with step-children should look like that of an aunt or uncle: Prompt and guide, but whenever possible, turn over discipline to your spouse/partner, even if this means delaying giving a consequence or handling a situation. Of course there are exceptions to this strategy, especially, for example, if the step-parent enters the picture when a child is very young and there is not a second biological/adoptive parent involved.
- Logistics: Discuss the practical details of how the families will share space (including the bedroom situation), what the family schedule will be (breakfast, dinner time, bedtimes), and other rules and roles for each family member, including household chores.
- Prioritizing the couple relationship: The couple relationship is particularly stressed in blended family systems. There are more stressors and demands on parents who are part of a bi-nuclear family system. Your relationship with each other needs to be solid in order to keep the rest of the system solid. Plan ahead to carve out time for each other, whether it be a weekly morning walk, regular date nights, or nightly check-ins after the kids are asleep.
2. Adjust: The next step involves adjusting to this new family system.
Keep expectations realistic: Adjustment will take time. Think years, not months, to adjust. It is unrealistic that you and your step-children will immediately love or even like each other and the same is true of new step-siblings. Instead, aim for respect in all relationships.
Each family member’s adjustment will look different. Children under 10 typically have the easiest time adjusting because they are more accepting of new adults in their lives and still thrive on family cohesiveness (which is ideally what you are working hard to build). Preteens and young adolescents, 11 — 14, often have the hardest time. They may be less verbal and expressive with feelings. Developmentally, they are beginning to pull away from parents, which may make it harder for them to access comfort by a parent. They are also less likely to tolerate another authority figure in their lives. Older adolescents will likely be more focused on how this family change affects the life and relationships they are building outside of the home.
Remember, it was your decision to remarry/re-partner, not your children’s. They may need more time to adjust to this change, which may not only involve having a new parental figure, but also new siblings. This means a child may go from enjoying only-child or youngest-child status to having to share your attention as a now-middle or eldest child. The more you can try to listen to, understand, and empathize with your child’s experience, the easier she/he will adjust to this transition.
Once the families are merged, establish systems for rules and routines. Post schedules, chores, other responsibilities, and expectations for behavior. Establish regular family meetings at least once a month to address problems, make changes to routines, and talk through feelings. During these meetings, allow each family member to share an agenda item he wants to discuss. Allow everyone in the family to have a voice and feel heard. If the meetings are chaotic, use a “talking stick” to designate who gets the conversational floor while the others listen.
3. Strengthen
At some point, you will move beyond “adjusting” to actually thriving. Create rituals, memories, and other positive experiences together. Take family photos of the blended family and create a photo album together. Establish weekly family time, ensuring that it is appealing to—and not interfering for—the teens in the household, i.e. a Sunday evening dinner may be more successful than a Saturday night movie night with teens. In addition, carve out a routine to spend quality together time with your own children. They need to have moments in which they aren’t sharing your attention with their step-parent and step-siblings.
Finally, in order to prepare, adjust, and strengthen your blended family, it is important to remember that you cannot apply the same set of rules used for a traditional nuclear family. Blended families by nature require greater flexibility in roles, schedules, and expectations because there are so many players involved, many of whom are coming into and out of the household. Remember, if non-blended family systems are apples, your blended/binuclear family is an orange.